It Hurts so Good!

What I find appealing about writing over narrating a story is that one gets to capture a snapshot of an incident whereas a narration is dynamic and ever changing. Here's a capture of some strong yet important emotions in my present.

A loss, I always thought and believed, is an opportunity to reflect, introspect and grow as an individual. I took these so called losses in my stride and kept chugging along with my goals and ideals in mind. Never did I let anything disturb me or derail me from my perpetual state of happiness. It was unnatural I was told by many, as humans must feel pain and sorrow to really appreciate and feel the good times. I reflected, wondered why I was so lucky that I was bestowed with so much happiness and joy, whereas many around me suffered and struggled to even get a meal a day. I kept a calm head, never getting too carried away, believing that it was a result of my fortune and my own hard work and commitment. It felt odd that I was feeling so upbeat all the time. How could I be so blind to the realities of the world they said? I started to preempt a loss, a significant loss at that!

I thrive on human interaction; the camaraderie, the warmth, the sensitivities, the companionship and the physical touch. Relationships are like plants, they require constant nourishment and supervision. Time and effort are the soil and water that are essential to a successful bond. I really cherish the relationships I have and as a result stake myself selflessly in them. Alas that comes with a huge risk.. Is the risk worth it I ask?

All relationships are bound to see their share of highs and lows but what's important to note is how those involved act during the lows. Mis-communication, distrust, jealousy and distance are just a few things that might take an otherwise solid and beautiful relationship downhill. The challenges lie here in...

One of the most precious things I had in recent times, was not an expensive car, a limited edition watch or any other worldly possession, but my relationship with a girl named Sana. If you were to ask me a few months ago what my biggest fear was, I'd have said, losing her. That too without a heartbeat. Our relationship was something I treasured, each and every moment of it. It was a fairy tale story; Something you'd expect in the next bestselling novel. It had everything, it was all I wanted. It was all she wanted too. But like all good things, this relationship came to an end. And unfortunately, for once I don't know how to prevent it from becoming a distant and faint memory of a beautiful time in my past! :(

This post is not about what happened but about how I feel. I want to capture the emotions before I start feeling better or even worse, indifferent. I was ready for the break up in one sense but also caught completely off guard in another sense. Let me be more lucid.

With the events of the recent past, I knew somewhere deep down that it was probably better for both of us to be single and live our lives on our own but I didn't admit that to myself. The times we spent together were still as beautiful and memorable as in the past, that I didn't want to accept that we were way too serious for how old we were. In that sense I was expecting it.

But on the other hand, I hadn't prepared myself for it. Never entertained the thought of a life without her. And that's what got me. As much as I would like to believe it's hard for both of us, at the end of the day I wasn't ready and she was... And that's where the drift begins...

I am a very free spirited individual; doing things on a whim without thinking too much about the consequences or outcomes. It makes life exciting. I was the same in my relationship, never restrictive, never prohibitive, believing that we both must be together till we both WANT to be together. It worked well. I didn't know how to deal with the day she'd want different things. Which I believe is not wrong. I just feel I was left in the dark. Drifting, lured into believing everything was alright, while it was quite the contrary. Maybe subconsciously she was figuring out what she was feeling and it took her a very long time and a lot of courage to say what she truly felt. My heart broke. So did hers. But I wasn't ready... And that's where the strife begins...

There is no set formula to moving on or getting on with your life when a significant part of your life is suddenly non existent. In every sense, it was a rude and cold awakening. More so because I had a lot of catching up to do. If moving on had 10 stages with 1 being shocked, depressed and completely out of place and 10 being completely over the other person, I was probably at 1 and she was already at 4. I want to reiterate that I don't blame her but blame myself a little for not realizing what went on. One of the hardest things to deal with is hearing about their world post you. It's not a world you want to hear about at all. Didn't I want her to be miserable or sad? I did, but I couldn't ask her to be, I had no right anymore. So here I was for the first time, with the magnitude of emotions I felt for this girl, but only me to share them with... And that's when the heart aches...

I now knew that this was the 'loss' I hadn't yet experienced. Something that came from nowhere, like a cold punch from the side. Tears came out freely, the mind couldn't stop wandering, the heart wouldn't stop feeling heavy. I felt sick, I felt like I wanted to gag, I felt like I couldn't breathe. The pain was very real, very raw. It was me against the memories. Me against the past with a very positive future beckoning. It could only get better I told myself. The memory can only become fainter I thought to myself... And that's when the character builds...

I wouldn't like to believe that my story with Sana is over. It's far from over. With where we are in our respective lives, our paths may or may not cross ever again. It greatly pains me to think that there is a very real possibility that I might not have any association with the girl I wanted nothing but all the association with. The future as always is uncertain, but also there will be no effort to redirect destiny to make our paths cross again... And that's how the reality is understood and accepted...

I need my space and my time to get to where she is. To be able to understand and be there for her. To be a friend without feeling envious or hurt. To make sure I am not hurt again. There are issues she needs to sort out in her life. I will always be there for her. Maybe only in memory at first and hopefully an actual part sometime later. My only helpless hope is that she remembers me too. She remembers us for what we were, for what we went through. For I never loved anyone more dutifully, more respectfully and more fondly.

Sana Afsar, I will always cherish what we had and it hurts too much to not have you anymore. But alas, that's life and there's little I can do now. My doors will be open for when you know what you want and understand fully well what I have been through.... And that's how it Hurts so Good! :( , :D