When you lose somebody...

March 11th would have been just another Sunday; lazing around the house with my roommates, preparing for the week ahead, performing household chores; But one phone call turned my world upside down, making Sunday, March 11, the most unforgettable Sunday of my life.

The last few weeks have been a blur. The passing away of our beloved friend was met with sheer disbelief. Within a matter of 30 minutes of finding out the news, about 20 near and dear ones were gathered at my place. The silence was deafening. What an irony that the very same house that had been the place of joy and celebration the day before for a 'Holi' celebration became a place of mourning less than 24 hours later...

Everything after that was an emotional roller-coaster. Calls were made, received from all over the world; shock was the underlying emotion. Everyone took each other under their wings, tears, many tears were shed...

We go through life thinking we know how to react to and tackle the hardest of situations. It's one thing knowing what to do and another when actually faced with one. This was new to almost all of us, we didn't know what to do; whether to piece the story together or to cry or to blame someone or to be there for each other.

I don't think I cried properly till the day of the funeral. On entering the funeral home, I saw a slideshow of images, of Akshay smiling, laughing and being himself. Not being one for crying in public, even though I have always embraced tears, something gave way, and I bled my soul for a person who had made a lasting impression on me.

Akshay Goil, what happened man? What about the countless plans we had together?

I made the decision to see him after much internal debate. Did I want to see him in his final state and have that stick with me or keep that cheerful face in my head...

I walked up to him, his face serene, his body still; How I wish you woke up then and said something...

During that week which seemed to last a lifetime, we had to be there for the family. What unfortunate circumstances we met under, but it seems like we all found a new family in them...

Tears are wonderful. Pain is beautiful. My favorite song across genres and languages has lyrics that go something like this.. "Dil hai toh dard bhi hoga, dard hai toh dil bhi hoga." (If there is a heart there must be hurt, and if there is hurt there must be a heart). It's an emotion that lays a man bare, weak, and vulnerable. We were all, all those things..

Life has seemingly come back to normal, but I find myself walking around on campus, seeing him everywhere I was used to seeing him. Time is a healer they say, and I am sure it is but today after about 3 weeks, I just feel like saying, I really miss you Akshay Goil...


I had never experienced death up-close before. Had never thought of how I'd react to it or what I would feel. I might not know it yet, but an incident like this changes ones perspective on many things. The emotions are still raw and the memories fresh. A small part of me still thinks he will show up at my doorstep someday soon. I guess, all these feelings are part of the process.

How long should one grieve? Is it wrong to move on? To smile and proceed with life? There was an emptiness within, I wanted to unload my emotions... Taking a few moments to let the thoughts flow uninhibited worked wonders. To face whatever emotion surfaces at the thought of what happened is crucial to arrive at the acceptance..

Tomorrow is another day. Today is about to be history. Must not dwell in the past, yet must always carry Akshay's memory into the future!